As the tumultuous second half of online movie rental giant Netlix’s 2011 is coming to a close, it has become increasingly clear that no one at the company has any idea what they are doing. It seems that the company is failing to do anything to gain the support of their customers and leadership has lost all confidence.

“Yeah I really have no clue what’s going on right now,” said CEO Reed Hastings. “The sad part is I can’t even blame this on drugs or alcohol.”

“I just got pissed off when I had to pay late fees on my copy of Apollo 13…I don’t actually know how businesses work,” he continued.

In July, the company suffered significant backlash at a pricing increase for their plans. While the increase was necessary due to higher demands from distribution firms, the manner in which Netflix handled the change was widely criticized.

“I just worked out the numbers and gave them to Reed when I was done,” said David Wells, CFO. “Was I supposed to do something else?”

Netflix recently announced a rebranding of their DVD by mail service as Qwikster, but only a month later the idea has been scrapped.

“They’re great to watch,” said Hulu CEO Jason Kilar. “They implement all the bad ideas before we get a chance to.”


Please note that all events and people in this story, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only.

In the wake of country singer Hank Williams Jr. making an analogy that compared President Barack Obama to Adolf Hitler, ESPN has severed their relationship with the musician responsible for the opening song for the program Monday Night Football. As a result, Williams has been pitching his song, “Are You Ready for Some Football?” to other television programs.

“It’s a great opening song,” Williams said. “ESPN is going to be kicking themselves when another network picks it up.”

Williams has reportedly already contacted NBC Sunday Night Football, Football Night in America, NBA on TNT and Family Guy. So far, he has not received word back from anyone.

“It’s a damn shame that ESPN wants to trample all over my First Amendment rights…I thought this was America,” Williams said.

When asked if he knew that the First Amendment only applies to governmental laws and not private institutions, Williams narrowed his eyes and said, “…I thought this was America. And in America you can say what you want.”

“Ooh, I should also try to get my song on 60 Minutes…” he added.


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During the “Let’s Talk iPhone” keynote event held in Cupertino, California yesterday, many Apple fans were left feeling empty without any announcement of the iPhone 5. The new features in the operating system and the fact that the iPhone 4S will finally bring the franchise to the Sprint network have been ignored in favor of mass rioting.

“Those stupid [expletive],” said John Truman as he launched a Molotov cocktail at the glass box Apple Store on 5th Avenue in New York. “It obvious Steve Jobs isn’t involved with Apple anymore.”

The intuitive voice assistant Siri, upgraded camera and new location abilities have been declared “stupid” and the Card application “really stupid”. Rioters have been targeting Apple Stores and corporate offices, destroying everything they can…except their iPhone.

Tim Cook, the CEO of Apple in the wake of Steve Jobs’ resignation, has holed himself up at the headquarters in Cupertino, looking out his office window at the protesters below.

“I’m sorry!” he said in a private interview. “Those were all the ideas I had! I’m trying my best, why does everyone have to be so mad at me?”

Among the rioters, approximately 95% are enraged at the lack of an announcement for the iPhone 5 but around 88% of that sample has said they would still buy an iPhone in the future.

“Yeah I’m mad about it,” said one protester. “But what else am I going to do? Use another phone? Yeah right…”


Please note that all events or people in this story, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only.

Today is the day of the Apple “Let’s Talk iPhone” keynote event that is releasing a plethora of new information on the upcoming Apple products. Numerous live blogs have been covering the event with updates by the minute at times, leading to a widespread work stoppage for anyone that uses a computer.

“I’ve got a lot of work to do,” said Tom Foreman, an accountant. “But…ooh…that’s the iPhone 4S…”

“Look at all the stuff it does…” he continued, drooling slack jawed.

A large offering of new features and accessories including greeting cards and watches have been released, but all eyes are on the speculation that the iPhone 5 is to be announced.

“If they don’t do it,” said Lisa Adelman. “I swear I’ll never buy another Apple product again.”

Adelman proceeded to make loud shushing noises each time someone attempted to interrupt her concentrated following of the event.

The event is ongoing. This would be updated as more information is released, but…well…I have to see if the iPhone 5 is being released; I don’t have time to do my job.


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For much longer than anyone would expect such a thing to happen, Nicole Lindsay dated someone named Lee, who claimed to be a man. The two dated as a male/female couple for several years before Lee was revealed to be Samantha Brooks, a female previously incarcerated for sexual conduct with an underage girl. Lindsay has since been in complete shock.

“I suppose there were a few signs,” Lindsay said about Brooks’ true identity. “But I just figured he was in touch with his feminine side.”

The alleged “feminine side” was Lindsay’s age-old excuse for catching Brooks urinating sitting down, applying eye shadow and lipstick, watching Sex and the City alone and using tampons.

“We were skeptical when he didn’t have an Adam’s apple,” said Lindsay’s father. “And he was wearing a Victoria’s Secret PINK jumpsuit when we first met…him.”

Nearly all other comments from Lindsay consisted of, “Well…I mean…uhhh…” accompanied by shoulder shrugging.


Please note that all events or people in this story, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only.

Just yesterday, the Commander of the Navy of the Army of the Islamic Republic announced that Iran would be sending ships to the United States border near the Atlantic coast. While many Americans hearing the news have feared that this is the sign of an attack, the rumors are being dismissed. Reports say that the move is being enacted in order to show the Americans that Iranians know how to have a good time.

“We’re going to set up barbecues and play corn hole,” said Admiral Habibollah Sayari. “We’re going to show you capitalistic pigs that us Iranians know how to really party.”

“It’s going to be like a P Diddy boat party,” he continued.

The Iranian government is making all the details of the operation public to the world, including the bill for over 200 bottles of Ciroc and 4 kegs of Hennessey. That is only the tip of the iceberg, however, with many sources close to the planners saying the boat party is going to be, “completely off the hook.”

 “The world is going to know how we roll,” said President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. “And we’re doing it as close to the Americans as possible.”

With new updates to the party guest list and offerings being released by the hour, the world is stunned at not only the sheer magnitude of the party, but in the innovation that will reportedly change the way people party forever.

When rap mogul Shawn Carter saw the shopping list for the party, he was allegedly floored, only able to mutter out a subdued, “…baller.”


Please note that all events or people in this story, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only.

A large group of twenty-somethings, college kids and homeless people have been enticed by free pizza to gather at Wall Street in New York City to protest a vague entity. Now in its 11th day, the protest still has not accomplished anything at all. A list of demands is rumored to exist, but chief organizers for the event have not said when they will be released or to whom. The inspiration for the gathering is said to be the Arab Spring movement that has been affecting the Middle East and northern Africa since the end of last year.

“We thought we would take inspiration from a place that has real problems,” said Occupy Wall Street spokesman Patrick Bruner. “And we added free pizza. Genius, right?”

For nearly two weeks now the streets have been flooded with NYU and Columbia students skipping classes to “hang out and chill for a good cause.” Many have brought signs labeled with clichés and umbrella statements and it is reported that the acoustic guitar to person ratio is 1:5.

“I just wish more people would get involved,” said a girl calling herself Rain. “Can’t they see we are trying to save the world here? Do we need more acoustic guitars?”

Aside from the young hippies in New York, the event has attracted the attention of conspiracy theorists, people who want a “sweet picture of [them] getting arrested”, and the homeless.

“I’ll protest whatever they want so long as there is still free pizza,” said one homeless man.


Please note that all events or people in this story, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only.

On September 22^nd, 2011, the entire world was changed along with changes to the popular social network site Facebook. The new features and layout, designed to expand the usability of the site and optimize navigation, have been met with widespread criticism from the general public. Many of them have taken to the popular social network site Facebook, the most popular forum to express grievances, to air their frustration.

“I just can’t believe they would do something so stupid,” said Facebook user Ross Cullen as he refreshed his Facebook profile to see if anyone had commented on his status. “Do they care about us at all?”

Groups such as “Let’s see if we can find 1,000,000 people that hate the new update ticker thing in the top right corner of the new Facebook” and “New Facebook layout SUCKS!” have been popping up, ironically, on Facebook. Users claim that Facebook was better the old way.

“They said this the last time we changed Facebook,” said founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg. “And the time before that. And the time before that.”

Speculation has been running rampant that this might be the final straw for many users. Popular opinion is that the new features actually provide “too much” information.

“I don’t think Mark Zuckerberg realizes that we don’t have to use Facebook,” said Jonathan Dearborn through a Facebook status update with his location and two close friends tagged. “We could leave just as quickly as we came.”


Please note that all events or people in this story, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only.

Yesterday, an international team of scientists recorded sub-atomic particles traveling faster than the speed of light. The experiment, which no one actually understands, has called into question the validity of Einstein’s theory of special relativity, which rests on the notion that nothing in the universe could be faster than light. Within 24 hours, the science world has been turned completely upside down.

“I quit,” said physicist John Green. “If Einstein was wrong I’m not really into this stuff anymore.”

Einstein admirers have either dropped out of the industry completely or denounced his work as that of a hack.

“[expletive] Einstein,” said Lucy Elfman. “I knew that theory was BS.”

Moving forward, this new development has introduced the possibility of unlocking time travel. In the past, many have speculated that traveling through time would be possible if the power of moving faster than light was harnessed. In anticipation of the demand for time travel, DeLorean DMC-12 builder Stephen Wynne of Houston has offered his support.

“If scientists want to go back in time they’re obviously going to need me,” Wynne said. “I’m setting aside my best DeLorean for the scientists that would like to turn it into a time machine.”

“I realize they are probably busy researching,” he continued. “But I’m ready whenever they are…by my phone…just waiting for a call…”

“My number is 713-259-6644…in case anyone forgot,” he concluded, finally.


Please note that all events or people in this story, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only.

The world of rapid Apple fans with nothing going on in their lives has ignited once again, this time at the hands of former United States Vice President Al Gore. While speaking at a conference about a still unknown topic, Gore made a one line mention to the iPhone.

“Not to mention the new iPhones coming out next month. That was a plug.”

Numerous inquiries have been put forth as to whether Gore was speaking the plural form of iPhone or if he was merely using the contraction for “iPhone is”. Gore and his staff have been keeping quiet and speculation runs rampant that executives at Apple are livid.

“I think he definitely meant that there are two iPhones coming out,” said hopelessly obsessed Apple fan Tina Parker. “Apple loves us too, don’t they?”

“Don’t they?” she asked again.

Others in the conversation have ventured that Gore may not know anything about the iPhone at all. Citations to Gore’s tendencies to put himself in the middle of other people’s accomplishments coupled with the ambiguity of the language used have been the focal points of arguments asserting that he does not actually know anything.

“I think he just wants attention,” said analyst Greg Salmons. “Again.”

As hundreds, if not thousands, pick apart the sentence Gore uttered, so far zero attention has been given to the rest of his speech, which reportedly did not have anything to do with the iPhone.


Please note that all events or people in this story, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only.